I May ALREADY Be A Loser. Wait…What?

I can't win if I don't enter!

I can’t win if I don’t enter!

     Living in Alabama, with no lottery, the only hope I have for striking it rich, outside of parlaying this blog into a multi-media empire, is the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. I usually tear these things up and chuck them in the trash, but the recent Powerball Lotto jackpot got me thinking.  If money were no object, what would my ultimate nerd cave look like?

     It’s actually not a new question for me.  As far back as my Army days, with a whole lot of “hurry up and wait” going on, I used to daydream about what I’d do with a million bucks. As I went to tear up the latest contest entry, I held up and thought, why not? I can’t win if I don’t enter is a good point.

     Suppose I score the $10,000,000 grand prize.  After the IRS and the state get their 40%, and I give some to a couple charities I support, I walk away with say, $5,000,000. Sure, it’s a lot of dough, but it’s not Powerball money.  I mean, with 550 million, you could buy a small island and an army of goons to guard it. No, $5,000,000 could go fast if you got crazy stupid with it.  So, there shall be no fountains of perpetually flowing Mountain Dew for me.

     First, it’s in the basement. A little daylight is OK, but you know me, I like my artificial lighting. Growing up, my grandparents had a huge basement on their farmhouse.  I always liked the coziness of it. It is a nerd “cave,” right? So, we’re doing this in a basement.

     Did I mention the shelves?  Oh yeah. Lots and lots of shelves. Cause there is going to be a bunch of books.  Comic book trades, hardcovers, history books, pop culture. Oppa Barnes & Noble Style.  And who am I kidding? There’s going to be tchotchkes. Paging Randy Bowen. Randy Bowen to the white courtesy phone.

     Seating. Really. Comfortable. Seating. A, shall we say, large posterior leather sectional with built-in cup holders. Some sweet overstuffed reading chairs. Lots of pillows and fleece throw blankets. Oh yeah, did I mention I’m moving to Montana? Bama is OK but the 102 degree heat with 95% humidity isn’t working for me. Nah, I prefer to be snowed in within my basement empire while my aggressively invested mutual fund rakes in the dough.

     Aquariums. Several and BIG. ATM Tank Manufacturing is getting a call. I want a big saltwater reef tank and a big ol’ freshwater tank. Maybe a shipwreck, treasure chest, and a lime-encrusted skeleton or two. If you just got the D&D reference there, give yourself an “I’m Da Man!” sticker and a family-sized bag of Doritos.

     Entertainment Center. And when I say “entertainment center,” I’m talking 90″ LED TV and a rack of whatever the latest video game systems happen to be. Surround sound for the surround sound. And a mini-bar with diet sodas on tap (gotta watch that blood sugar), a popcorn machine, and boxes of movie candy that don’t cost $4.95. Don’t even get me started on that. I’d feel better if they just used a gun…

     Game Table.  I’m not talking Knights of the Round Table here but it will be nice. Big enough so you can set up several games at once. Built-in cup holders (I like me some cup holders…what can I say) and uber-comfy leather chairs.

     Comic Book Vault.  When I was in college, I worked part-time in the Registrar’s Office. They kept their files in a room with these giant moving shelving units. You had to turn a wheel on the end (like a submarine door wheel) and the whole thing would silently glide left or right on tracks embedded in the floor and ceiling.  I always thought how cool it would be to keep my comic collection on that.  No more long boxes and comics within arm’s reach…dare I dream?

     Hobby center. I’ve always wanted a tricked-out modeling workshop with every tool you could possibly need. Well lit, ultra-comfy chairs. Shelves loaded with hundreds of kits ready to be built when inspiration hits. And a mini-fridge.

     So, my sweepstakes entry is going in the mail tomorrow.  I even ordered a magazine.  I know, it won’t increase my chances of winning. But it won’t hurt.  Until next time…stay nerdy my friends.


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